But she didn't dare tell anybody how she felt deep inside about this young girl. And she couldn't ask for help; not from anyone. For all her deep-seated hunger, Julia knew for sure what would happen to her if she ever admitted to anyone about how she secretly felt about Madison. Despite the worry that young Madison inspired in her former teacher, Julia knew she needed desperately to hold on to those fantastic, aspirant daydreams of hers, those daydreams centering upon how Madison would someday feel for her, and what the girl would do about it.Julia knew in her very soul who she was. She had known all her life who she was. That knowledge kept her in a state of constant uncertainty about how Madison must really feel about her. Could the young girl really have any affection for someone like her, really? Or were her periodic signs of affection all part of some cruel game that the little girl was playing with her?From earliest childhood, Julia had never really liked herself as a. Maybe she only kissed me because she was high. Maybe she doesnt even like me. I hate ambiguity. I hate my mind. I hate everything. Still though, I couldnt wipe the grin off my face or the feelings I had for Isabelle, even more so now than ever before. I had to ask her what that was when she was thinking straight, when we were thinking straight. I got to the top of the stairs and went over into the kitchen where everyone was already demolishing the pizzas. I saved you some, Isabelle said, handing me a paper plate with a few slices of pizza on it. All that came out of my mouth were weird noises that sort of resembled the words, Thank you. My tongue was tied and my heart was racing as Isabelle laughed at my attempt to speak. And I thought my english was bad, she giggled. I smiled awkwardly at her, my cheeks burning red. We all ate together and laughed, sharing stories as our (minus Amandas) high slowly wore off. I felt like I needed another hit or two, not because the stuffs addictive,.
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